Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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