I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
