I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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