My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
