What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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