I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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