I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
