Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
