Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize