So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
