man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
