i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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