JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
