im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
