My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
