I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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