Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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