I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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