I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
