Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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