My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
