Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
