U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
