I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
