oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Life is so much better after having sex.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
