Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just want nice things and good sex
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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