It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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