the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
