i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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