he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
