don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
