I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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