How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
As shirtless as possible
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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