He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
