Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
