This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
