I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
