u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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