im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
