please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
