Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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