Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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