I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
