im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
