I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
