If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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