oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize