after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
