What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
