fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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