So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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