first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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