im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
