Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
