I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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