We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
