we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
