I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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