It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize