Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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