I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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