I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
